Frazzles the clown: An AAR for Spaceship 13

Below is an after-action report for our first run of Spaceship 13, written by one of my regular players, Jeremy. Interestingly, he picked the role on the day, on a whim. Honestly, I was a little nervous there wasn’t a lot for the clown role to do. You can read his recap to find out how wrong I was:

Part 1

Frazzles had a confidence crisis.  As the clown I had no reason to be - no demand, no useful skills to share, and only one hour a day to bring you a smile.  With all that in mind i set out to make my brave crew (you're all my children) the jolliest bunch of screwballs this side of Alpha Centauri.  

A voice from a higher being told me, in my cryo pod, i had "no business being on floor 5", but alas, that is where i awoke with a banana. Much to my dismay Floor 5 was far too serious - and locked - for me to even find those in need of amusement.  So my banana and I went in search of things to distribute and bring joy to the less fortunate. 

First stop was the cargo hold, surely there’d be a TON of games and toys there.  I had requested lawn darts when the manifest was being written.  All the cargo hold had was a "Huge quantity of water" which i knew would be useful at some point, but i had no way of moving it.   It also had a package of "Dirty Ice", I knew the bartender was in desperate need of any supplies, and while it warned against being used for human consumption, i thought "i’m a CLOWN, not some kind of Safety person, i can ignore warning labels"

Since the Cargo hold was a bust, I made my way to the first floor to comb the trash chute for holy banana peels.  Apparently i got there too late as the Chefs had already taken anything and everything organic.

It was at this point, Mother, wanting me to feel loved made a ship-wide announcement that high fives were now required to be shared with the janitor, bartender and myself, Mother is the BEST!!!!

Part 2

Dejected over the lack of banana trash, i resolved to start a cloning program so i could have infinite bananas. While pondering the prefixes for a banana based measurement system, an electrician wandered through, it turns out that even a sad "honk" was enough to convince them to turn the Chief Engineers Waiting Room into a disco party, thanks for using your circuit board for that!!! 

Newly energized, and a direct message from the AI that I was "Likely to get in any door i wanted" I felt a new sense of purpose, one of those being, widespread joy.  Why did i need to be present to make people smile?  I could just leave fun laying around!!!!

The first thing i did?  Said "screw the banana clones!" And i sacrificed the meat of my only banana to grease the Aft elevator cable.  What brings more joy than travel to new and exciting places?  NOTHING!!!  I hope that thanks to my ingenuity many of the crew got to experience new things, see places they didn’t intend to, and make friends along the way.

Part 3

This next part is where I earned "Grizzled" as a title.  Mother frantically demanded i make my way to the Starboard Aft Battery.  Thinking i could use a good charge i happily skipped there.  What i didnt know was that I'd be facing down hoards of aliens intent on our annihilation.

My lovely children, my sad wards in need of light, avert your eyes from my atrocities, I saw things you wouldnt believe, attack ships on fire off the port shoulder, c-beams glittering in the dark, an attack fleet burn like a match and disappear, i learned the true reason clowns cry on the inside...HONK. 

Only one alien successfully hit our ship, R.I.P. drinking establishment, we BARely new ye.

Part 4

Anyways!!!  Now that i knew disco lights were a thing, i decided to get tools so i could do it myself!  Mother graciously led me to the Chief Engineers Office where i got wire cutters and a crowbar for the panels, i also managed to get a forklift HONK HONK, which can carry "Huge" items.  That water in the Cargo Hold became fixated in my mind.

Newly equipped and full of confidence, kicked back in the CE's chair.

I passed out.  Someone turned off the oxygen in the Office!  A short while later, the door opened and the Chief Security Officer walked in, said he was arresting me, and taking me to the brig.   He didnt have handcuffs, so i just let him hold my hands behind my back (again i gotta bring others joy where i can).  Back out in the main corridors i decided the Brig sounded boring and tried to sprint away, the Chef when i pointed out my inability to give mother mandated high fives, refused to help. Well, i tried anyways and it turns out, the CSO had a stun gun, I screamed "DONT TASE ME CSO(pronounced like 'bro)", didnt work, and i ended up face down.  An uneventful elevator ride to the top floor(damn banana) and i was being thrown into the Brig.  The Captain then deigned to speak to me, threatened death, blah blah blah, agreed to a drink together, and then sentenced me to FIVE WHOLE MINUTES OF SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.   The CSO satisfied with their work, left.    Then began the longest, and darkest period of my existence....

Part 5

So the reason it was dark is because i tried hacking the lights to be more disco themed, i failed and had to spend 5 minutes in the dark before the CSO came back for me.  Once released, i dried my tears, cancelled my Count of Monte Cristo spicy-space-opera rewrite and honked my way to the elevator (i learned later that i saved an AI subroutine from assassination due to this).

Shortly before i could finally put my forklift to use, i was once again pressed into the defense of our Motherland.  Before I slipped into the turret, my comrade from Space Force had one bit of advice.  "Great shots kid, but don’t get cocky". Y'all, i’m a clown. And I’m happy to report we downed every single of those alien bastards.

By this point, Frazzles was famished, tired, a veteran of many multiple battles, Frazzles wanted a meal and to relax.  So I thought to combine those ideas into one solution, a swim-up dining establishment. 

That’s right!!!  With my forklift, and the still untouched "HUGE" quantity of water in the cargo hold, i proceeded to move, one space at a time, to the Mess Hall to create the greatest place in the whole ship.  With one hack attempt along the way that resulted in the Chapel ending up as our red light district.

Part 6

Refreshed, grizzled, bedraggled but still Frazzles, my mind was set on obtaining materials to craft robotic, Chinese finger traps, so that my shipmates would have a permanent partner for their trips around the ship.  

Back to the Engineering section I went.  Turns out they didn’t have anything fun, but while exploring an Executive only area for E.V.A. I did pick up some oxygen and a space suit. 

While searching for glass to turn the ass of the suit transparent (I wanted to moon H.O.P. the new captain, from outside the ships window because he wouldn’t let me call him "hop") Mother once again requested i repel the aliens.  

Space Force was blind(literally) drunk by time I appeared and was mostly ineffective.  Turns out i was also mostly ineffective, downing only 3 alien ships, for a total kill count of 11 for the day.  At this part I felt like I failed my children, my adoring fans, my banana fueled dreams turned to ash in my mouth.

Part 7

Stepping from the gun battery, sirens wailing, MOTHER is on the ship-wide embracing nihilism, I am informed that the Janitor is a monster and wrecking level 1. 

Armed with only a wrench and a flash bang gifted by a random scientist, i make my way down.   Turns out i wasnt needed, as i opened the door on a bloody gore soaked battle, i get high fives and watch a scientist stab the janitor monster to death with a pair of pliers. 

At this point self-destruct has been initiated, and the elevators are disabled.  The Chaplin asks if I’ll save the ship with him, i of course, agree.   Armed with his plasma rifle and Mother gifting me sole elevator access, we make our way to the AI mainframe, where the captain has holed up.   The Chaplin succumbs to lack of oxygen and gifts me his rifle.  Mother opens all corridors for me, I HONK at the captain....he laughs!!!!(secret goal achieved), turns to see me, I will save the ship I think, I will save us all, I fire...

And then the ship blows up

The End. 

Frazzles (AKA Jeremy) is the guy with the duct-taped banana picture at the head of the table.